The Sacred Waters of Lake Flacid
Before any candidate may compete in the Lake Flacid Olympics, they must first pass the most ancient and mystical of tests: The Mirror of Truth. The calm— indeed, flacid—crystal-clear international waters of Lake Flacid have witnessed the rise and fall of nations, the birth of legends, and the unmasking of charlatans.
These waters—soothed by smooth, non-political actors of nature—serve as the ultimate arbiter of authenticity. The lake does not care about your polling numbers, your debate performance, or your campaign war chest. It cares only about the purity of your intentions and the integrity of your message.
🌊 The Ancient Rules of Qualification 🌊
Each contender must approach the sacred waters at dawn. They must look into the mirror-like surface and see themselves—truly see themselves—without artifice, without spin, without the carefully crafted persona of modern political theater.
"If the waters believe your campaign is built on bullshit, they will disturb the calm, and the furies will arise."
The Disqualification Criteria
The Lake Flacid waters are the font of humanity and all of life. They have witnessed millennia of human folly and will not tolerate those who would pollute their sacred purpose with the following transgressions:
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Treating the Ancient Mystical Waters as a Political Prop
Any candidate who views the lake as merely another campaign backdrop, a photo opportunity for their Instagram feed, or a metaphor for their "clarity of vision" will find the waters turning turbulent beneath their gaze. -
Employing Gendered Consumerism Metaphors
The waters reject any attempt to divide humanity along lines of gendered consumer identity. Your campaign's attempts to sell "freedom" like laundry detergent or "patriotism" like pickup trucks insult the eternal nature of these sacred waters. -
Political Policing Through Infantilizing Indoctrination
If your base has been cultivated through infantilizing narratives, through mystical thinking disguised as patriotism, through occult-like devotion to symbols over substance—the waters will know. They will ripple with disgust. -
Obtaining Political Assistance from Unknown, Likely Occult Mystical Beliefs
The lake recognizes true mysticism from the false prophets. If your campaign draws power from shadowy ideological cults, from conspiracy-driven movements, from the dark arts of disinformation—the waters will churn and boil, and the furies will rise to cast you out.
If there is any hint—even the slightest ripple of evidence—that your campaign has been, is, or would be willing to entertain such bullshit, you will disturb the waters' calm. The reflection you see will not be your carefully managed public image, but the truth of what you have become.
And the furies will arise.
You will be disqualified from participating in the Olympics. No appeal. No recount. No spin room can save you. The waters have spoken.
The Current Contenders
Three candidates have dared to approach the waters. Each believes they can pass the test. Each believes their reflection will remain clear and undistorted. Each believes they are different from all who came before them.
The waters wait patiently. They have seen it all before. They know that in politics, as in life, what you see in the mirror is often not what you want to see—but always what you need to see.
The trials begin at dawn. May the most authentic candidate win.